Be Still

INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~ William Ernest Henley

Wikipedia's initial explanation of Existential Crisis:
Existential crisis is a concept in existentialism describing a state of panic or feeling of intense psychological discomfort about questions of existence. It is presumably more common in cultures where basic survival needs have been overcome.

No fucking shit.

If you know of this place...this forum for my self-described peaks and valleys...where I document the particulars of this little life I own, you are amongst a very small handful of people who've been invited into the long hallways of my mind and the courtyard of my heart...and for whatever reason, there's a certain amount of trust given with that, I suppose. I say that because I have a fully aware cognizance of the shit I put up here. Sometimes it's awkwardly embarrassing, and not meant for my entertainment, but rather to help me fucking cope. That should speak about my feelings towards those people that I've allowed into this personal realm. Hell, I couldn't even bring myself to permit my ex-girlfriend (of a year) admission to whatever this thing is, and I guess that probably speaks volumes about all of that...and all of this. So if you read, you mean something to me on levels that I can't possibly put into well-conceived, or carefully chosen words...levels that I seldom reach with most people I interact with in this world. Oh how fortunate you must feel! Even as self-serving as this palette of words might be, it still doesn't do any justice to uncovering the things that confront me...or anybody in this life, in any of their internal experiences and the way they deal with them.

I feel strange in these moments. Being in the ownership of underlying optimism, serving as the foundation of stressful chaos is some beautiful poison. Even at 29 I still find myself locking horns with angst at times, as it wraps it's hands around my neck while I brandish my knife...tossing and turning, pitching and rolling, dirty and polluted at the end of a bloody scrape...dead to rights. We always dance in the ring and tap gloves.

I guess I'm in a transitionary period again where I can see the opportunities in front of me, despite existing in the face of a certain amount of sorrow and a great amount of uncertainty. I've always desired to truly feel every emotion and thought that I've ever produced with every single fiber of my being, no matter the struggle, or despair, or euphoria, or infinite joy that rides shotgun with it...it's somewhat akin to creating a sterile environment for being everything I ever am. I see it as a certain type of metallurgy that my conscience induces, and sometimes it feels like a curse, but sometimes it feels like a complete blessing. Someone of utmost importance to me (who I regard as one of the most intelligent, in-touch persons walking amongst us) said something very recently that resonates to my very core, "The world seems to be making itself into someplace that is not meant for those who are self-aware."

I just don't know how else to be...and believe me I know how this sounds. Also, you can trust that I constantly plead with myself to somehow become one of those people who passes these things like an elementary spelling test, or floats it down the river like a newspaper sailboat to let ride, wandering into it's destination unknown. But I don't do that. I analyze, and I dissect, and I peruse, and I diagnose, and that's the only way I've ever been, and the only way I know how to be. At times, it's been a mightily uncomfortable undertaking. Because essentially, it's looking directly at yourself in the mirror and seeing what truly stands in front of you. I've seen the hellish side of holding yourself accountable to this inspection, but I've also envisioned the boundless existence that it might bring to the table. I just want to OWN it. I feel myself growing more into myself, and the day that I actually stop feeling the desire to grow is the day that I'll be more than alarmed.

I can tell you this with a pure heart; if you're selling me tomorrow, I'll buy it. Because we can be strong.