Let's Not and Say We Did...or Maybe Not Never Did Do Anything

I've told myself, many times, that some things never change. When they do it's often surprising...the outcome, the motive, those involved, everything. When things don't change you almost get used to it's familiarity. Like that train that picks you up every day at the same time and takes you past the same buildings and drops you off at the same place. That same structured black hole you find yourself inescapably falling down every time. Well today was different.

You see, I've had a problem falling down that black-hole-piss-pot situation for awhile now, and now that she's decided to add recreational drug use to her mantra shouldn't surprise, nor offend. However, the ruse for which it came about is suspiciously strategic, as were other recent moves on her part. I'm pretty sure both of which were aimed at me. That's neither here nor there. Even if the dialogue and movement from either side says otherwise. This is how I deal with it.

For those who deal in extremes (a trait, after trial and error, I've definitively found repulsive) the coming is as easy as the going. I'm not to escape blame...I was buying what she was selling. Literally, and figuratively...ashamedly so. But in spite of the fact that I had to drive home today to sleep some of it off during the middle of the workday, on a Tuesday notwithstanding, I found her proposition had a very different kind of appeal to me today.

To piss on one's tree, one must enjoy that which he is marking, and subsequently hold indignation for those trying to impose their unwelcome presence. Well, I thought about it, because for fuck's sake, here was my chance...

"I'm in self-destruction mode today...are you?"

"Hmmm...I've been avoiding self-destruction mode as of late...but you know I'm no stranger to decadence."

"You wanna go crazy tonight?"

"You KNOW I'll call your bluff on that, maybe."

"Meet me at my house in 30 minutes. Stay with me tonight."

"I hope you're alright."

So I sat, staring at myself in the mirror...getting my haircut, and somewhere not too far down the road there was a girl. And this girl was probably burying her day and her trials under piles of red-stained turbulent devolution. And I'm sure there was a guy next to her. Possibly on the couch, or maybe in her bed. But this time...this time...it wasn't me.

The girl who normally cuts my hair walks by, looks me in the mirror and asks, "Hey, you stayin' outta trouble?!?!"

"I'm trying."

For the first time in awhile, I wasn't lying.

L'Arc-en-Ciel

There's people and places I've seen and heard and felt.
There's signs and pathways that point and travel and fail.
You sit in a dark room long enough you'll go blind.
No need for eyes.
Nothing to hear.
Nothing to feel.
Nobody to be.
Turn the lights on and hear faint buzzing in the bulb.
Feel the warmth of light.
Everything illuminates in the circuit of electricity.
Everything illuminates because of my hyper-sensitivity.
I watch no channels.
I memorize no lines.
I sit and dream up prolific times.
Nothing makes sense and everything is relative.
Bend some laws and stretch most truths.
For a moment there I thought it was you.
Dressed in clothes arched in red and green.
Dancing in a sky soaked blue.
I try not to understand until something gives,
Or the dust flies off and the shine comes through.

Corinthian arrogance is not just a biblical affliction.
It's a novel world; it's a present condition.
It's platinum everyone.
Can't be chained by what seems real or what seems fake.
Everyone hiding behind secret spills and stains.
I've made the strangest mistakes I can't really explain.

Your chromatic spectacle.
Your untouchable mirage.
You are only illusion while mercury is blowing the top out of the thermometer.
So I boil in collusion and add to the confusion.
Battle Hymns of a Modern Man...the devil has a counter on his turnstiles.
God has a welcome mat.
The great folly of life is that nothing is fair.
Yet I stand here, resolute, breathing the mist of a passionate air.

By Way of the Green Line

I watched this again last night. The best scene from one of my favourite movies of all time.