I Just Want To

I just want to feel your touch. I just want my head to fall over my heels. I just want to feel your face in the palm of my hand. I just want to reach over the vastness of the bed and feel your hip next to mine. I just want to be able to recognize your scent anywhere. I just want to wake up and see you looking at me. I just want you to be my muse when I'm playing the guitar. I just want you to occupy a majority of the pie chart of my brain's logic. I just want you to smile at me when I smile at you. I just want to feel your breath over mine when we're way too close. I just want to listen to the same music as you. I just want you to be who you are around me. I just want to feel comfortable around you. I just want to be able to get shit-fucking-wasted around you and have nobody in their right mind care. I just want to be alone with you. I just want to get bored with you. I just want to feel your hands over my head. I just want to get lost in lust with you. I just want my heart to beat the same rythym as yours. I just want to be able to hold you when you're dismantling. I just want to make you sweat when you're so close to me. I just want to watch movies with you. I just want to talk about God with you. I just want to be able to understand your motives. I just want to have trust with you. I just want to plan the future with you. I just want to be your right-hand-man. I just want your dependence upon me. I just want to be able to live up to your expectations of me. I just want to go to foreign places with you. I just want to ferment in the afterglow with you. I just want to feel your smooth skin. I just want to occupy myself with you. I just want to have you know me better than anyone ever has. I just want to make you laugh. I just want you to laugh at me. I just want to put myself in awkward positions for you. I just want to put you in different positions. I just want you to meet my family. I just want you to be a part of it. I just want to relish in the fact that you're mine. I just want other guys to want you and not have a chance because I'm the only exclusivity. I just want my friends to leave you alone, because you're untouchable. I just want to let you know that I need my space every now and then. I just want to give you your space every now and then. I just want to have coffee with you on a cold morning. I just want to write stories and poems for you. I just want you to like them. I just want to compliment you in every way possible. I just want to have my skin tingle at the sight of your face. I just want to taste you. I just want to hold your little hand. I just want to dance with you on a moonlit night with the truck radio playing. I just want you to believe in yourself. I just want you to be secure in who you are. I just want to let go of my past and I want you to do the same. I just want to hear your scripted life. I just want to be a part of it. I just want to undress you slowly. I just want to be the only thing you think about. I just want to be your source of happiness. I just want to know you're out there. I haven't met you yet.

Wake UP You Dumb Shit!!

It's time to wake up. Long from the slumber of longing, long ago. Man, clear your eyes...stop being so nearsighted...stop being so idealistic. Reality paints a very different picture than that you see when you're sleepwalking, or even the picture that you WANT to see. It might change quite a bit if you looked with your mind instead of your heart. You've been sleepwalking too long. Longer than you should. I don't understand how I can't see what's two inches from my face. Maybe I need glasses to see better. Or maybe I just need to reach out and feel it in front of me. I feel it about once every month or so. I recoil in pain every time I do feel it. That's why I need to wake up. There's so much more to look forward to. So many more things with SO much more MEANING and SIGNIFICANCE. Do you enjoy that feeling? Do you foolishly trust that it's going to get you somewhere? Do you trust anything at all? I don't have an ounce of blame to pass to anyone else. I let myself in the door...almost like I'm blindly steering myself in that direction, even when I know what the outcome is going to be. I allow myself to be disappointed. I'm going to see what I can do about changing this...I'm fucking smarter than this.

I Just Want This Day to End

From the moment I woke up today, after jumping ship on the shitty dream I had, my mood has spiraled tremendously. I just want this day to stop being, so that I can close my eyes, forget about it, and move on to the next. I just want there to be better days like I've had, but different from those days in that they're filled with an "unexperienced better." I hate depression...it rings in my ears. I don't want to be in anybody's way. I want everyone to be content. I don't want to trouble anybody...I guess this stems from my dream...it was utterly shitty. Everything's got my head spinning, and I don't know why. This is terribly introspective and open, but I'm feeling pretty fucking low today. I don't think I should even care, but for some reason I think I might. I'm not sure what I'm even sad about...that seems to be the case lately. Actually, I had been feeling pretty good about everything until today. There's always momentum swings and they seem to be getting less severe, but they hit like a fucking sack of bricks when it comes down on me. My concentration is splintered and I'm reeling because of it...today anyways.

It'll pass and tomorrow will be better. It sure as hell can't get any worse.

You Can Trust...

You can trust that my mind still locks you inside. You can trust that your name is still on my lips. You can trust that our story is on my fingers when I'm holding my guitar. You can trust that memory relapses. You can trust that I see your ghost in this town. You can trust that I can still smell you. You can trust that life is weird. You can trust that I was listening to the album we wore out when your name lit up the LCD. You can trust that I found that classic-perfectly timed. You can trust that life is weird. You can trust in circumstance. You can trust that there's a replay booth in my slide show mind. You can trust that they can't rival. You can trust that we're elaborate. You can trust that your name is found in my every prayer. You can trust me.

Little Thorns...

Little thorns are sticking in my sides,
Keeping me from getting where I need to be.
Making travel a damn sight more uncomfortable.
"If you don't get rid of them, they'll turn worse."
What if you use them as a catalyst?
For what? Hurt?
These little thorns can turn to gaping wounds.
No need for that.
Non-confrontational optimism is prescribed.
Piss-poor dressing for these wounds though.
When I travel through the desert, I get thorns in my side.
When I travel through the desert, it's just me and my thorns.
Then it's just me.
Then I'm out of the desert.
I'm trying to leave anyway.
I want to leave this place.

Have another Cory...

My God...I'm a retard when I drink...geez. Everything's magnified through the beer glass. Well done.

You know what I love about you...

...is that you sleep so tight next to me. That you concern yourself with innocence around me. You can do what you feel comfortable with around me...nobody's watching. That you don't know when he posts writings about you, but I DO! I know what he says, and it's interesting! Let's me know what you never told me. He's single-handedly giving you up! Poor guy...poor girl. Honesty would've been nice. It's all I ever did for you. That you hold me dear, but you're too afraid to mention it. That you have dreams about me, same as I do you. Tattooed on the eyelids was something I said first. Maybe they're not about me...maybe they're about someone else...probably. No need to get self-confident, I'm sure you'll tell me that I'm way off base...it's like you to do that. I know you better than anybody else though. You'll never understand because you don't want to. I love that when you feel lonely you might come to me! That's a confidnce builder in itself. Makes me feel good about myself. I also love that you'll forgive me for this because I'm shit-wasted! You always were forgiving when you wanted to be, and I was always forgiving no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! NO MATTER WHAT! NO MATTER WHAT! NO MATTER WHAT! Because that's what you loved about me. That I ALWAYS loved you. Turned the other cheek aside...me, a saint? NO...not at all...but, fallen, YES! Concerned about you and only you...YES! I'll probably erase this tomorrow and I hope you don't see it. Why do you still try to keep in touch with me? Don't you know that it's deader than dead? Of course it was...you checked out long before it even died. Sad thing is, I quite haven't...well that's not entirely true. That's what I love about you...you know this! Smart girl you are. Witty, beautiful, intelligent beyond reason, soft, warm, passionate, beyond reach, inquisitive, exciting, poison (wonder if I'll ever meet another like you)...probably won't and that's a good thing and a bad thing. I say that I won't reference you anymore, and I shouldn't, being that you've found another, but I'm a bleeding heart and my heart bleeds like a sieve for you. There's no tourniquet that will cut this shit off. It's only mind over matter with this issue and I wish I had the fortitude...I do..I'm kidding. I will someday. This won't bother you anymore, not that it does anyways. I think you revel in the fact that I still pine for you...and that's what I love about you. You're more than self-confident...more than assured of your greatness. You've bought into it. As well you should...you are GREAT! And I love you for it. I just want to know what it was about me? WHAT WAS IT? WHAT WAS IT? WHAT WAS IT? WHAT WAS IT ABOUT ME THAT PUSHED YOU AWAY?????

You say I am as the Wilco song says, "I'm always in love." Truth being, I actually am not. YOU are the one who is always in love. I remain with one ideal, while you carry two or three or four or five. I just have one reserved. You were just disgusted that it was you.

Doesn't matter, I'm pushed. Sliding into home with a ghost man on third, bringing up the rear. Playing a game with myself, while you're playing a game with the world. I hope you're winning...it's looks like you might be! That's what I love about you. Adaptable, driven, confident, self-doubt doesn't cross your mind. You make the situation what you want it to be. Wish I could do that, but I play ball by a different set of rules. Maybe that was it...a bore. I was a bore. I WAS A BORE. I WAS A BORE. I WAS A BORE. I WAS A BORE. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

*sigh*

You know what I love about you...you're insecurities...because they're secure. Secure with me, and secure with the world. I hope you're treated right...you deserve it. You deserve happiness. You used to be such a happy girl. I hope that you have found that again...sounds like you have. Honesty...few and far between for me. I disappoint people, I disappoint myself, I disappoint you.

You know what I love about you? I love that you are the one...

You know what I hate about you? I hate that I love you.

Actually, I really don't care. Inebriation makes me nostalgic though...with regret following in the morn...I'm sure I'll do it again, because I am, as they (or you) say...a bleeding heart. EXCITING....I hope you're bothered by this!! I am.