Matters of the Heart

The funny thing about love is that it is a dynamic of polar opposites. It can swing momentum at a moments notice and lies on such a broad plain, that it is sometimes hard to define. There are so many levels of love and all of them, or most all of them have been explained in one way or another through literature, art, music, etc. People who prefer scientific reason over wonder, find that love is a mathematic entity that can be quantified by the milliliters of hormones that drip through our system and into our brains causing these "emotions." They also tend to believe that you can control these hormones with a concentrated effort of "mind over matter." That they can somehow avoid the trials and attachments that love sometimes brings, or that they can gather only a sense of enjoyment for something or someone they love just because it exists and gives them pleasure, without real attachment. Those who prefer wonder over reason seem to be those who get lost in love. Love sometimes swallows these people. The whims and pleasantries that love brings is (you might think) what these people live and die for. Consequently, these people are usually hit the hardest by the torture that love can bring to the table.

There are different kinds of love. For instance, I love music. It is an abstract type of love. It's not an applied or practical love by any means, because it is without a secure attachment to my heart, but more to my mind. I like the way it makes me think, and offers an avenue for expression. I am astonished by what can be accomplished by it and amazed at the unique structure of every song. It appeals to my intellectual side and I really think it keeps me from insanity. It's like an engine treatment that you put in your gas tank in your car. When all the other shit is coursing through your brain, music comes in and breaks up the clogs so that it all flows through more clearly. It's this kind of stagnant love that we have in the small details of everyday life. Like a love of a certain kind of restaurant or the way our car shines after its been through the wash...you love that.

I also love my parents/family. This kind of love is probably the most rooted love in someone's heart. Like a default love that is seemingly always there. Now this is not the case for everybody, but it is for me, and for that I am fortunate. It is a comforting love that feels like home. Like a magentic north for my "progenic compass." It's a dependable love and one that is as reliable as the seasons changing. No matter the circumstance I know that love is always there and always will be even when we no longer exist. One of my best friends found out that he is going to be a father soon. He will soon be going through this type of love albeit from a different perspective. But the love of beautiful creation that he and his wife will soon be experiencing is an astonishing kind of love. It is what they call unconditional. It is given no matter the conditions at hand. No matter what that kid looks like, talks like, succeeds, and fails at, he/she will have an unconditional love from his parents and in turn, he/she will return that rooted love for them. From a worldly point of view, it's probably the most firm foundation one can build a life upon. It's a transcendent love, but yet it seems so simple and guaranteed; almost eternal.

Then there is the love for friends. This love is sparked from comraderie and fulfilled in the passing of life itself. Friends come and go, and this type of bond doesn't seem as guaranteed as that of a family, but in it's purest moments, a person can feel that they have found someone else in this world who shares their interests and "knows" them. Most friendships are usually bound at the beginning by similar interests. It's funny that often times the lifetime of these friendships is directly associated with what they were founded on. Since people are an ever-changing animal, these interests and bonds are sometimes broken. But when they are based on something more burdenless and meaningful we are fortunate to see them last and prosper throughout the years. Friends who share interests that are more founded, seem to always have that line of connection no matter the circumstance. Sure it silences at times because of the intricacies of life that we get ourselves involved in, but it always seems that these types of friendships can be picked up where they last left off without skipping a beat. I believe a person is fortunate to have a handful of these types of friendships in a lifetime.

Then there is the love of a significant other...probably the most difficult type of love to breakdown, diagram, and develop a theory about. This is the type of love that at times seems like it is the most rewarding by far, and simultaneously can be the hardest thing that a person ever goes through. The emotions involved with a significant other can range on every point in the spectrum. Floating tenderness to blinding rage can be the nature of this type of love. Why is it that the person who makes you the happiest in the world can also bring you the most pain? When love is on the positive end of the spectrum, you feel as though there is no explanation for the feeling other than that its a gift from divinity. On the downside of that feeling it can feel as though Hell has released its vengeance inside your head. Many people over-analyze it and that can be a hindrance to seeing the truest form of itself. Other's over-simplify it and never truly "put themselves out there" to realize what it is in it's truest form. The problem with it is that if both people aren't on the "same page," they're days are usually numbered. Even when every other detail within their relationship is pointing for success, they sometimes can't make it work, and it's mind-numbing trying to figure out the reasons for it. Battling back and forth, pushing and pulling, trying to get your point accross can make for a weary heart. This almost leads me to believe that this type of love is inherently selfish. Everyone wants love on their own terms...and to quote the "great movie"...it's the only terms anyone knows...their own. It's hard to convince someone of something within the conventions of relationships when they don't want to hear it, or can't let themselves believe what you're saying, because it's normally out of selfish wants, or even worse they feel you are being selfish and they won't let you get close because of the fear of being hurt.

On the flip-side of this negativity is the great joy that is derived from this type of love. When you finally meet someone that you feel could be that person you've always waited for...that someone who fits you like two jigsaw puzzle pieces...like you're making you're place with that special person in this big, jigsaw puzzle world. Those feelings of the first date, and the first kiss, and the first everything with this new, exciting person feels like the first of all firsts because it's with them. And even though, you may have done these things a thousand times with people in past relationships that ended in failure, you still feel that this "first time" is the real first time. Just knowing that someone is there who is you're other half...I can imagine is a comforting feeling. I don't necessarily know that feeling yet, but someday I would hope too. It's amazing when things start clicking and the ball starts rolling and you develop these almost consious ideas about yourself being attached to that person for the remainder of your existence, when in many cases that end result couldn't be further from the reality of the situation. Nevertheless, it's a good feeling to have. It's what makes this type of love exciting and worth the effort. Anyways, like I said, this type of love is hard to theorize, if not impossible.

It's funny how all of these types of worldly love bring something different to the table, and how they each affect you in a different way. There are other types, but these are the most prominent in my life right now, and each of them is affecting me in a certain way right now. The way to deal with each separate type is quite a struggle because none of them are congruent...at least not in my situation. Of course there is the matter of the Divine Love, the love of a higher power, but that could be a completely different blog dedicated to that prospectus alone. I guess the important thing to remember is that most of us are fortunate to have one or all of these types and the others in our lives...and even when that thought escapes us and we are floundering for something to hold onto, we can rest assured that it will eventually seek us out and find us again...

Damn, I wish I wasn't so drunk...

I guess I'm off to go hug a tree...all this love talk...piss off...

Fair Evening,

Cory Will