Allowance for a funeral.

Wrote this awhile back, but never posted it...or finished it for that matter. I'm incredibly bored at work, and I thought I might get drunk within the next few evenings and finish this incoherent rambling. It made sense at the time. I just need to get back to that state of mind, and continue the pointless ramble.

Only through the lens of the classic American, would this look like the manifesto of a guy who spent the evening in a mediocre bar watching the fight and forking over his money on 3 dollar beers, and I must admit....for the point of prefacing this overt psycho-analytical expedition....I have had a few drinks. Plus, when the muse sets the hook, it's best to be relaxed and allow yourself to be reeled in.

The human condition and all it's intricacies hit me like a brick wall this evening. Not that it doesn't on a regular basis, cause if you know me, you know that my mind races at Chuck Yeager, barrier breaking, speed. But the point is, it hit with brute force tonight. Enough to prompt me to seek refuge within the rational minds of those who are in touch with that thing we call "reality," or some semblence of it.

We are all ruled by our instinctual habits and the unfortunate condition of savagery. This is not a constant vigil in my thought process because cynnicism runs rampant as it is, and I don't want to be one to contribute to the overpopulation of cynnical people in the world, but it is easy to fall prey to. The perspectives and complete flow of the world are all jumbled into a river of constant motion that carries us to the end of our days. Sometimes we travel through calm waters, and sometimes we are a prisoner to the rapids. Either way, we are in constant motion and those around us are as well. We learn lessons from this inertia and continue to be formed in the way the rocks on the riverbed are formed by the constant motion of the water.

Windows of opportunity are fleeting and sparse. When they come, they most often never come with moments of notification of their presence and they definitely don't allow themselves a range of motion. We only have the choice to take part or pass. My best friend is taking a job in Pittsburgh this month and will be gone by the week's end. He only asks, "What are the keys to success?" There are no keys to success. It's as trivial a question as, "Why does God allow the things He allows?" For this question there is no answer. There are no guarantees. Success is not measured. In the borders of this world, there are certain streams of logic which tell us the formula of success, but in the grand scheme of things, there is no clear-cut definition. Success in life is determined by the boundaries we set for ourselves....which can be difficult at best. We are always striving for more, we are always striving for perfection. But perfection was lost under a certain tree in the middle of Eden. We are inherently "fallen." This disappoints me. To no end. The complete and utter inability to reach perfection has my mind rattling. God and His understanding of perfection are limited only to omnipotent beings. We will never know perfection in the true sense of the word. Even archangels in the kingdom are steps below true perfection. We allow ourselves to be ruled by the instinctual behavior we are given. But as my friend who is gifted and wise says, "We are given the choice to defy those impulses." Which is true. When our mind or bodies tell us that a certain decision is worth pursuing, our souls tell us different. What we choose to adhere to is the beauty. We are given the free will.

The girl with which my heart has so long been attached to is currently on a beach on the East Coast with another guy. She's in the beginning of her 'world travels' and on the threshold of finding the things that her heart desires, and on the verge of discovering the mysteries that this life holds, in all it's boundless virtuosity....evil, beauty...and complexity alike. She's trying to find her razor's edge experience...delving into the internal as well as experiencing the physical world. The diversity of consciousness is being truly soaked into the neon blue of her iris...bronzing the self for which she will become...for better or worse. Not sure how to feel about all this. Not sure I should care. Not sure I'm sober enough to.

Some are given a life of privilege. Some are not. Those who are not, are by no means at a disadvantage though. For zen comes in every shape, fashion and form. And it dissipates as quickly for each person. Like a Globetrotter spinning the great Earthen ball on his finger, we are all witness to the rush that is this world. It just so happens that in the spin, we are witness to just about every ebb and flow that can be experienced. Some would say that the accuteness of that experience is hindered by your perspective and method of experiencing, but I think that every human has the same experience...maybe just in different facets. I'm not so myopic that I can't see that trust-fund kids have the amenities that elude 'commoners' who won't see and feel the things that fortunate sons possess. But I think that within our own province we have the same experiences to different degrees. Like I said, for some it has more meaning, and for others, it is passed off as an occurence of considerably less notation. But we all have it.

It's fortitude that sees us to the end of the race. It's the will to fight that adheres to the pursuance of our dreams. It's fear of failure that keeps us from it.

I've imagined my funeral. Most people have. I think at times that "The Weight" by The Band would be a fitting musical end to my story. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should go to bed. I'm too tired to think. Shit.