Ships With Holes Will Sink

And this has me thinking about my true friendships. You navigate and effort within the best of your abilities to control the dynamic within the parameters of intimate relations, but how much control do we really have? In one of my irrelevant songs I say, "We slide in and out of change, but nobody ever really changes." Time, circumstance, life...it all has infinite elements that shape and mold who we are. We share our experiences like a prescribed personal essay with the people we hold infinitely dear, but what if they don't reciprocate? Or better yet, what if they simply don't want to hear your bullshit, or tire of your presence? Especially when it has a foundation in what previously seemed unshakable. I like to convince myself that the friendships I've cultivated are immune to change, but that's probably myopic on my part. In fact, I know it is. I don't hold anybody to their alleged obligations anymore. Shit, I never really have. People are free to flow in and out of my life. This might be shortsighted on my part, but I have ideals that aren't going to change; no matter who is present or who isn't. I am who I am. While I hold personal expectations for myself (in a perfect world), I won't stop being who I am because of some "potential" construct of personhood that someone has placed on my head. I didn't choose this life, I'm just living it...sometimes poorly, sometimes gracefully. To add to that, I'm not regretful. I choose, and pursue, the things I enjoy, and avoid that which I don't. I'm only participating in the paths that have been laid on my plate on a daily basis like every other person in this world. Potential is a dangerous word. I'll navigate around it in the only way I know how...and I have my blueprint (like everybody else)...I don't need approval. In the end, I only have to answer to myself (and I hold myself to higher standards than anybody in this world, or the next, can possibly hope to impose on me). But I'll deal with the consequences of my decisions, like a man, like the way my father taught me, when it's my time to answer. I once read a great quote, "Let the world know the weight of who you are, and then let the world deal with it." I'm an idealist, so naturally, that's gonna ring true to me. How can I not? Really? My ideals sometimes get me in trouble, though. It's all I know.

Doors open and doors close. I'm not in the business of lies, and I'm certainly not in the business of slamming doors shut on those I love and respect. I'm not sure I'm ready for some of those doors to close just yet. But I have no control over certain elements, and I shouldn't be ashamed of that. I won't be. I just wish there was a more efficient means of communicating that unfolding dynamic. But it is what it is. It is what it is. I've had enough life under my belt to understand that I know ships with holes will sink. Sometimes sad, but sometimes unavoidable. It is what it is. As my musical hero Ryan Adams says (and I say this with no arrogance), "I always win in the end." I say that because I hold true to my ideals. I'm not ashamed to lose and let go. One of the most important lessons I've ever learned is to let go. I'm not afraid of this. But maybe that's my problem?

Abandonment issues in their twisted vacuum. Maybe that's the issue? Maybe not.

I promise, I'm not self-involved. Very much the opposite. Don't know how to handle recent developments. But this is how I've chosen, I suppose.

On another, unrelated note, life is good. I have my first "band gig" next Tuesday. I couldn't have picked three better gentlemen to play with, and I'm finally doing it. It's what I moved here for, and it's actually happening. I like our songs, and I hope people like our performance. We'll see.

Someone once told me, "You think too much." I love the person who told me that, like a brother, and I don't ever take it as an insult although I think that was it's original intent. I take that as direct fucking representation of who I am. If you don't like it, I can't change that. I'm sorry.

Faith (in every respect). Patience (in ways that need to be learned). "Heal your vines, you'll heal inside eventually."